Empathy is our greatest meme. It is the lynchpin of society, the source of morality, and the one thing that truly makes us unique as humans. Empathy is so important to us as a society that we label those who cannot feel empathy as “psychopaths.”

I can imagine what it’s like to walk a mile in your shoes. Maybe your shoes are spiked heels and mine are work boots, but at the end of the day, we both have a hammertoe. We can rub each other’s sore feet, or at least recommend a good podiatrist to each other.

Or, you can tell me that I have no idea what it’s like to wear heels, that I cannot begin to fathom the pressure society puts on your feet, and that thousands of years of fetish have put you and your feet in a separate, victimized group that we work boot people couldn’t begin to understand.

And you’re right. You can certainly feel that way. You can always draw finer and finer lines. We can always split society into smaller, more specific groups. In fact, it’s easier if we do. Easier to label people. Easier to “understand” them without ever getting to know them.

Lots of people agree with you, too. Consider HP, which realized that the problem with computers is that they are designed for men by men. Since men cannot possibly understand what it’s like to be a woman, they got a woman—dress designer Vivienne Tam—to design the first laptop for women.

What makes it “for women”? Well, for one thing it’s got a butterfly on its case. It’s also about the size of a large pocketbook. Best of all, though, is that the screen is super glossy so you can use it as a mirror to check your makeup. That’s a woman’s computer: a pretty makeup mirror.

When they debuted this, my jaw dropped. I find this not only offensive to women, but offensive to product engineers. Compare this to the iPad for women—which doesn’t exist because Apple is one of the few companies that realize products should serve everyone, not just some market segment.

No doubt there are women who would love to have a laptop that looks like a purse—Vivienne Tam for example. The mistake she and HP make is in assuming she represents all women. Solipsism—assuming the world conforms to your experience of it—is also a very common mistake among engineers.

The solution is not to separate ourselves into exclusionary groups based on victimhood. This is why it upsets me when people say it’s so much harder for women in technology. They have their challenges, yes, but so do all of us. Sometimes, we actually can relate to each other.

One problem a lot of women have is being seen as objects instead of people. Someone, perhaps a potential employer, does not see or value the mind, but only the physical aspects of the body. It sucks to be judged like that. It sucks to have your career ruled by that.

How do I know? Because my hugeness has caused the same problem. For most of my life, employers saw me only as a source of physical labor, completely ignoring my mind. For example, I once applied to be a translator, and was made a stock clerk, not because my Japanese was bad, but because my body is strong.

Another time I got a job making kadomatsu, the traditional Japanese new year’s decoration. Within a day, I was moved to another job that involved hauling bundles of raw bamboo up a muddy hill. I was demoted from craftsman to packmule, not because of my craftsmanship, but because of my size.

We can work on this very real problem together, or you can tell me that as a white (not) anglo-saxon (not) middle-class (barely) man (yes!) I have no right to even participate. You can tell me that the only thing I should feel is bad for how hard “my” group has made things for you.

I have gone through some shit to get to where I am, but I don’t whine too much about life being hard or unfair, and I have little respect for people who do. Such things always make me think of my first WWDC, when I saw a quadriplegic coding by typing with a pencil gripped in his teeth.

Why can’t you do this again? Objective-C? Memory management? Provisioning profiles? App review? Some under-socialized drunk asked if you were an escort? Every excuse just seems like so much bullshit when I think about that guy, tapping away patiently with his pencil. Compared to his situation, we’re all walking on sunshine.

Maybe that’s not fair. Not only can none of us compete with that guy, it’s a segment violation because he’s a guy. Then I think of some of my female heros growing up. Elizabeth Blackwell. Amelia Earhart. Alison Jolly. These are women who had a hard time breaking into an industry.

These are people who ignored setbacks, and who refused to wear a badge of victimhood. That is something all of us, each and every one of us, should learn from—regardless of the color of our skin or the shape of our genitals.

When I build a team, I want people who are passionate, creative, and hard-working. I don’t care if you went to school, who you love, or who your parents were. Being a woman isn’t going to hurt you here, but being a victim, a whiner, or arrogant will.

Don’t let who you are turn you into what you aren’t.